The Crocodile: Beaty Towers Elevators to be Replaced with Rock Climbing Walls

Note: This article was initially published in the April 2016 issue of the satirical publication The Really Independent Florida Crocodile, as well as its online counterpart. It is satire, and is not meant to be taken as a serious news piece. 

Link: http://thecrocodile.org/2016/04/25/beaty-towers-elevators-replaced-rock-climbing-walls/

The University of Florida Housing Department announced plans to replace the Beaty Towers elevators with rock climbing walls this Tuesday.

“We’ve just received so many complaints from residents about those elevators in Beaty,” explained Lee Snyder, president of the UF Housing Floor Transportation committee.“It just made sense to get rid of them altogether.”

Students seem excited about the potential change, as so many of them have been victims of the terrible elevator experiences that plague the dorm building.

“One day, the elevator just never showed up when I pressed the button. I was stranded on my floor for hours,” said Sally Wallas, a second-floor resident of the west tower of the dorm complex. “I missed all my classes. And then I eventually had to take the stairs, which was even worse.”

Even when the elevators do work, residents of the hall claim that being inside them is worse than waiting the average 2.5 hours it takes for them to come.

“One day, I stepped in the elevator to find that the entire floor had been eroded by puke,” said Mark Astley, a resident of the east tower. “I had to hang on to the side-rails as I made my way down.”

According to Snyder, rock-wall construction will begin during June, with an expected completion date of May 2020. During this time the officials claim life in the dorms will resume as usual, except Beaty Towers residents will be asked to take the stairs to travel to their floor and are suggested to buy earplugs for the 24-hour construction that will be taking place.

When asked about those who live on the top floors, particularly 10 through 14, Snyder replied, “Silly goose, we don’t have any floors above 10.”

We sent reporters to investigate said claim, and discovered that upon traveling to the upper floors of the complex, you will be faced with a gray abyss.

Scientists later confirmed that this abyss was actually just cannabis smoke.

Julia Davidson, Snyder’s assistant, explained that rock-wall safety instructors are required at all times for students to climb. Therefore, they will be stationed by the wall entrances from 10 a.m to 2 p.m every Monday, Wednesday, and every other Friday. Any other times they suggest the students “find a friend” to help out.

It is rumored, but not confirmed, that the stairs will be replaced with inflatable waterslides.

The Crocodile: New Starbucks to Open Inside Marston Starbucks

Note: This article was initially published in the March 2016 issue of the satirical publication The Really Independent Florida Crocodile, as well as its online counterpart. It is satire, and is not meant to be taken as a serious news piece. 

Link: http://thecrocodile.org/2016/03/21/new-starbucks-open-inside-marston-starbucks/

University of Florida President, Kent Fuchs, announced Monday that a long-awaited 7^th on-campus Starbucks will be opening inside of the Marston Science Library Starbucks.

The idea for this addition came about when students began complaining about the average line length to get a coffee on campus.

“Having to wait ten minutes is just time I don’t have,”

Said Ashley Klein, 19, a marketing major at UF.

“I need my venti caramel peppermint mocha macchiato with soy milk, a shot of espresso, pumpkin spice, and extra cinnamon now.”

Because the UF Squirrel Party was successfully able to cut a deal with Starbucks corporate, the new Starbucks location will also feature a brand new acorn-flavored Frappuccino which will only be $8.99.

Construction of the coffee shop is expected to begin sometime in July, with an estimated project completion date of summer 2020.

“The project is a fairly simple one, so we can definitely complete it in such a quick time,” said Dale Dallas, construction manager of the project.

In order to get to the new Starbucks, customers will have to go inside of the main Marston entrance, realize that the outside entrance is the one that is currently open, go back outside, and enter through there. Once inside, they must walk to the back wall, and enter the secret password, which is reported to be “Pepsi Cola”. This will trigger the wall to open, allowing students to enter the second location.

“I’m really looking forward to it, I have an excuse to get two Frappucinos a day instead of the usual one,”

Explained Shahar Daniels, 18, a freshman physics major.

“Plus, the shorter lines will mean I have a better shot of getting the one breakfast sandwich they have in stock.”

The new Starbucks has plans to not only serve secret menu items, but to make its entire existing menu secret.

“Instead of asking for the drink you want, you’ll pay for whatever we want to make you!

Said Miley Matthews, a Starbucks employee who plans to relocate to the new location upon opening.

“It’s just more fun that way, it adds a sense of mystery and adventure to ordering your coffee.”

Until the opening of the new location, students are encouraged to brave the .012 mile walk to the Library West Starbucks or start camping out now in front of Dunkin Donuts for happy hour.

 

The Crocodile: How to Make a Living as an Art Major

Note: This article was initially published in the February 2016 of the satirical publication The Really Independent Florida Crocodile. It is satire, and is not meant to be taken as a serious news piece. 

The Crocodile: Little Hall Bathrooms Voted Cleanest in Gainesville

Note: This article was initially published on the site of the satirical publication The Really Independent Florida Crocodile on 10/22/15. It is satire, and is not meant to be taken as a serious news piece. 

URL: http://thecrocodile.org/2015/10/22/little-hall-bathrooms-voted-cleanest-in-gainesville/

The Clean Restrooms Assessment Association of Alachua County has declared this week that they are naming the bathrooms of Little Hall at the University of Florida to be the cleanest in Alachua County.

The association spent over a year testing every restroom in the county, public or private, according to a strict rubric which included criteria such as: amount of abnormally large insects, likeness of toilet paper to sandpaper and area of restroom floor that was a recognizable color. They came to their conclusion after much deliberation and anticipation.

“It was a very difficult choice,” said Keith Bradley, CEO, chairman, and president of CRAAC. “The Grog House restrooms on Ladies’ Night were always a close contender.”

Students and faculty had mixed responses to this decision. Professors with offices in the building noted the frostbite that they had acquired by walking to the outdoor restrooms in winter. Professor Henrietta Weinberg of the Department of Restroom Architecture, was especially appalled by the decision, citing the hundreds of Palmetto Bugs she has encountered in the Little Hall women’s room.

“Those palmetto bugs? Cleanest I’ve ever seen,” said freshman engineering student Brad Richards.

Due to receiving the honor for 2015, Little Hall will no longer be eligible for the consideration in the coming years. However, CRAAC has indicated their intent to look into other campus favorites such as the stalls in the stadium, Keene-Flint Hall bathrooms and the toilets in the back of every RTS bus. They plan to begin the search for the 2016 winner as soon as the resources are available.

“It takes a lot time, tax dollars, and Febreeze to use every bathroom in Alachua County,”
Bradley explained.